


Who Am I Living For?

by TheOrgasmicSeke



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, and dave talks to karkat because john is a more respectful kinda guy, but not dave, i do love some davekat hehe, i just really needed to write some pale gamkar, it kinda falls in line with canon but at the same time it doesnt, non Canon, oh no of course not, think of it as you will, you know he's leave karkat alone when he says he doesn't wanna talk about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 11:24:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1743038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOrgasmicSeke/pseuds/TheOrgasmicSeke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's never easy to be chosen; never easy to be called. Standing on the front line when the bomb starts to fall. I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames calling out my name.  I can see the writing on the wall. I can't ignore this war. At the end of it all, who am I living for?" Karkat comes to the realization that he needs more than just faith to get through the rest of the game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Am I Living For?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle/gifts).



> First off, I advise you to listen to [this](http://youtu.be/UMevq633ITE) song as you read this or before you read it considering it is what this whole thing was based one.  
> Secondly, this isn't considered canon for a few reasons that I'm sure you'll understand. Just take it as it is, yeah? Thanks. I just really needed to write this.  
> Third, first time using this homestuck skin. Bare with me.  
> Dedicated to my moirail. Because she's karkat to my gamzee. God knows where we'd be without each other. for life.

_HoNk_ _:0)_

A snarl came from the back of my lips, my claws sinking into the stone as I ran my hand over the words written on the wall. The purple blood smeared as my hand slid down, the sharp sound of claws against stone making me wince slightly. The blood was cool on my fingertips, proving it was written so very long ago. That alone bothered me. Where the fuck was he? What could that pungent crotchstaining clown be doing? How dare he just up and disappear on me.

My lips curled over sharp fangs before I turned away from the word and continued down the hallway.

There was a lot to be said about Gamzee. For the most part, he was a happy fucker. He didn't make sense half the time and god forbid he actually cleaned himself. But he was who he was. I could handle that. I handled him through the game. I handled him after that. But when humans came into play and things became even more serious than they once were I... I lost him. Somehow, I lost him.

I was a shitty moirail. A poor excuse for one. He deserved better. He needed better. And I wasn't there. There was too much to deal with. We had to figure out those bulky soft sacks of flesh to figure out the game. I created them, they caused out demise. It was a huge clusterfuck of shit that I didn't really want to deal with. But I had to. I was the only one who could.

I got us through the game. We won. We fucking won. And that was ripped out from under us so fast we hardly had time to recuperate. We were thrown on this flying chunk and forced to figure out our own shit. I had to focus on that. I had to focus on the battle coming. Our game was over but the war was only just beginning. We had the humans Jack to deal with. Too much to deal with.

And they relied on me. Gog fucking knows why. So I got them through the game. I didn't know what I was doing. Not really. How could I? I didn't know anything more than they did. But we won. Because of me. So the rest was left up to me as well. The pressure about crushed me. I didn't know what I was doing. Not really. But I forced through and we learned enough.

But I was busy... I had to... The humans were more important. I lost track of him. Lost sight of what he was doing. And then... He was gone. So far gone there was nothing anyone could to do stop him. He killed my friends. He did what a high-blood did. He killed. He murdered. Our friends. They were his friends too. He had no control. He didn't...

It was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Shooshpapping him back into submission. I didn't think myself capable of it. Hell, I was sure he was doing to kill me in the process. But it worked. It fucking worked somehow. And then he crashed. He crashed fucking hard. Coming to terms with the things he'd done wasn't easy for a troll like Gamzee. He was a murderer. But he was also... kind. And loving.

Dealing with the aftermath wasn't easy either. Getting the others to calm down and just _deal_ wasn't easy. We all had our problems but with Gamzee's rampage, we came to realize just how deeply rooted our issues were. Too many deaths... and we weren't even in the game anymore. How did that work? We all survived a game meant to destroy us and yet we couldn't survive living on a floating rock together? How grubfisting pathetic.

It was my fault. If I'd been paying more attention... If I had tried... If I had put forth more effort... Fuck I was a shitty moirail. Shitty everything. Why did they count on me? Why did they trust me? I was just a fuck up. A huge fuck up and now look at us. Down by half. I couldn't handle this much longer...

_HoNk hOnKkKkKkKkK_

I growled at the dripping words that I faced when I rounded a corner. I picked up my pace, following the purple words down hallway after hallway.

I was a shitty moirail. But that didn't mean I couldn't make up for it. Maybe I was too late. And sure it wouldn't be easy. But Gamzee was my moirail. I had a responsibility to him that I didn't keep before. I had to watch him. He had an addiction that he needed help with and only I could do it. I had to... before I lost another friend...

"Gamzee!" I hissed, my lips curling in a snarl as I took off running down the hallway. Where the grubfuck was he? I could imagine the pile of self-loathing he was in. He disappeared while I was dealing with the others. I couldn't leave him on his own too long. That'd be the biggest mistake of my life. More so than the hundreds I'd already made...

_:0(_

_:0((_

_:0(((_

"Gogdamnit Gam!" The saddened faces led me to a transporter I'd never run into before. Fuck knows where it went but I stepped into it anyway. The world shifted, flashed and changed in the matter of seconds. I was greeted with darkness. Thick darkness. My eyes adjusted after a few seconds to where I could see shadows and figures.

"Gamzee fucking Makara! Where the almighty apeshitting nookhump are you? I swear to all that is fuckshitting well in this fucked world, if you don't come out I am going to rip our your horns and shove them up your nook!" I hissed, fisting my hands on either side of me as I started to stomp down the hallway. I relied on the little night vision I had and my sense of smell to find the fucker. And then the block in my pocket dinged. I growled, tugged out the grubfisting thing and shifted it open to read whoever thought it was a brilliant idea to message me at this very moment. They were going to die.

-turntechGod[TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG]-

TG: yo, karkitty. heard some shit went down. how you doing?

CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK DO YOU WANT STRIDER

TG: whoa calm down there. 

TG: john told me some shit went down that you didn't want to talk about and rezi won't tell me shit so 

TG: what the hells going on over there?

CG: EVERYTHING IS A TENTSQUATTING BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH. 

CG: ACTUALLY, NO, IT'S NOT THAT BAD. 

CG: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO THAT SHITFUCKING DORK.

TG: john said some shit went down and that you seemed happy

CG: AND THAT'S A BAD THING? 

CG: OH NO PUT OUT AN ALERT. KARKAT VANTAS IS ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR ONCE IN HIS PATHETIC GRUBFISTING LIFE. 

CG: FUCKING FORGIVE ME FOR BEING HAPPY

TG: you have some serious issues there dude. 

TG: happy for you is like the world is coming to an end.

CG: FUCK YOU STRIDER. YOU INSUFFERABLE WHIMSICAL RAZZMATAZZ OF GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE ASS.

TG: whimsical 

TG: is that a compliment

CG: GO AWAY. I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF. 

CG: LIKE FINDING MY CRAZY CLOWN MOIRAIL

TG: the fuck. when did that happen

CG: NOT NOW STRIDER.

TG: congrats

CB: FUCK OFF

-carcinoGeneticist[CG] ceased pestering turntechGod[TG]-

-carcinoGeneticist[CG] began pestering turntechGod[TG]-

CB: THANK YOU.

TG: no prob bro

-turntechGod[TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG]-

I bit my lower lip, fangs sinking into the flesh as I shoved the device back into the pocket of my pants. Fuck Strider and his troll knowledge. I was gonna deal with Terezi later about the information she had probably given him. He didn't know such things. Though, it was no different than the shit I told Egbert... Well fuck.

"Gamzee Makara, If you don't come out from whatever shithole you're in by the time I count to five, I will skin you alive." I paused in the middle of the dark hallway, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and began to count. "One. Two."

"Jegus Karbro, you don't have to be all up and mean like."

A sense of relief flowed through my body at his low voice. I snapped my eyes open yet still only saw shadows and no clown. "Where are you?"

"Here." A strange shiver went up my spine at the presence that was suddenly pressed to my back. Well fuck. I took a deep breath and quickly spun around to face the other troll. I could see the face paint smudged away from his face and the three purple cuts still on his face that needed to be dealt with. But the part that got me... was even in the dark, I could see the purple wetness that smudged away that paint. "Can't believe you up and motherfuckin came after me."

"I'd be more of a shitty moirail than I already am if I didn't." I reached up, feeling no sense of boundaries as I cupped his face between my claws. "You're not allowed down here anymore." I brushed at the paint, making it worse than it already was. "Come on. You need to get cleaned up."

His long fingers wrapped around my wrists, holding my hands in place as he leaned his head into one. "Shit's not good Karbro. Not good at all."

"I know, Gam. I know. Just let me take care of you."

"Shouldn't have to." He mumbled as I continued to brush at the wetness on his cheeks. That only seemed to make it worse really.

"Shut up. It's my job."

"Got enough on you."

"Gamzee." I growled softly, leaning up on my toes to see him a little more clearly the darkness. "You're right. I do. I didn't fucking chose this. It just happened. I shooshpapped you and now you're _my_ responsibility. But I'll be _damned_ before I let you drown again." I took a deep breath, gritting my teeth as my claws scrapped along the skin of his cheeks. "I need you just as much as you need me, okay?"

His eyes closed and for a moment, I thought he wouldn't say anything else. But when those eyes opened again, I was struck with so much emotion that I wasn't aware trolls were capable of. Gamzee leaned forward, my hands falling away from his face and he practically fell on me. I stumbled slightly under his weight but caught him the best I could, my arms going around his back as his face buried in my neck, probably getting paint everywhere.

"Fuck, Gam. What the hell?!"

"I need... I can't."

I bit my lower lip, watching as my hands opened and closed over his back for a moment before gripping onto the fabric of his shirt. I relaxed slightly, letting my shaking knees buckle causing us to crumple to the ground. Gamzee just leaned on me between my bent knees as I held him. He made no sound but I knew what he was thinking. I knew he was hating himself. I knew he was craving. This wasn't going to be easy.

"I'm here, okay Gam?" I swallowed hard and lifted a hand to pet his hair softly, soothing him the best way I knew how. Which wasn't much. I had zero experience with this shit. "I'm not going to leave you alone. Not again. We'll fix this. We'll get you through this. This isn't the end. I'm not... I'm not losing anymore friends." I closed my eyes tightly, feeling the overwhelming sense of calm having a moirail gave me. Fuck it. Fuck it all. What more did I have to lose by giving into one of my quadrants? I had more to gain.

Truthfully, I needed him. I needed Gamzee more than he could probably ever realize. I never had someone to lean on. Someone to list and vent to. I vented all the time but I couldn't show weakness. I couldn't be me. But with Gamzee... with a moirail. I could... I could try. I had him to lean him. Helping him through his supor addiction wouldn't be easy, but it gave me a reason. It gave me more.

I snapped my eyes open, tears falling freely as I tightened my arms around him, my claws gripping at his hair though he didn't seem to mind. I needed his strength to handle the pressure. So much pressure. But I had him. I had Gamzee. But I had more than that. Kanaya, Terezi, Sollux... Hell even Egbert, Jade, Strider and Lalonde. I had plenty to fight for...

"I'm not losing you again. I'm not losing anyone ever again." I mumbled softly, my eyes narrowing in the darkness as Gamzee clung to me. I had ajob to do. People relied on me. The war had only just begun and we were the front lines. We could do it. It wouldn't be easy but I led them to victory once before. I could do it again. I just couldn't afford to lose anyone else. And I wouldn't. Not if I had anything to do with it.

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck I love them too much. So much. Expect more GamKar from me. Be it pale or red. I ship them both ways.  
> Thanks for taking the time to read it! Let me know what you thought yeah?  
> Honestly, it was drabble that was a bit too long to be just drabble.  
> Thanks again!  
> ~Addy~


End file.
